The Mysterious Magick of Soft Medicine

If I was asked to give just one piece of advice to someone who is struggling with cravings or non-clinical depression, I'd say "surround yourself with softness." I can think of nothing more comforting on crave days, bad days, or sick days than to completely immerse myself in super-soft blankets on the couch while wearing butter soft clothes and fuzzy socks, stroking a faux fur pillow, listening to some ethereal soundtrack, with gently closed eyes, easy breath counting, and then eating whipped to air chocolate pudding. It also helps me to read gentle, lyrical books, watch no-brainer movies, and play ASMR videos on YouTube, take short walks, step out into the sun for a few minutes, and nap. All of these things make me feel safe. For me, safety is what I have always lacked in my life. It seems that any time my safety was threatened, I turned to a drink or a drug, and I will readily admit that booze & drugs worked for a LONG TIME. It was only when the alcohol and drugs began to feel unsafe that even contemplated putting them down in favor of real safety.

Learning what is truly safe for me is an ongoing process. My mind and body have just begun to heal from the overload of poison that I ingested over my lifetime. It will take years for me to become healthy and sound. I try to keep that in mind as I go about my day to day life. I don't "assume" that naturally know the next right move or the correct answer. I'm still coming from a place of destruction into a place of healing, and from there a place of sound reasoning and relative health. What I do know for certain is that when I get overwhelmed- with cravings, depression, sickness, anger, panic, or overstimulation, it's best for me to take a time out as soon as possible and retreat for just a while into a place of softness and safety.

I have encountered a fair share of backlash from family and friends over the past seven months when they sense or see me retreat into my little world of softness. They sometimes don't understand why the once steely me would choose to back off and retreat to my cave at odd, unexpected times. I've come to realize that they don't have a regimen of self-care in their own lives. It only frustrates me further to try to explain myself. Only I can find out what safety means to me, and have the inner fortitude to search that out when needed. Early sobriety is a time of finding out what works for self. The immediate goal is to not drink or use... all other goals fall to the wayside if that immediate goal is not met. As long as I am sober than I don't have to be understood when I retreat into my soft cave. Most people will not understand at best, so trying to force that understanding is fruitless. I've found it much better to simply smile and say "I just need a timey." than to open myself to a host of loaded questions and opinions regarding my personal self-care rituals.

The immediate goal is always to not pick up the first drink; this must be accomplished by any means humanly possible. For me, one of those means is to swaddle all of my senses in softness. Of course, anything under the sun can be taken too far. I also refuse to allow myself to retreat indefinitely. There is a big, whopping, HUGE difference between a retreat and becoming a hermit, isolating against anything or anyone that throws me off center. My disease of alcoholism would LOVE to get me to a place of total isolation and begin its insidious work! That is just as dangerous as keeping myself in a state of overstimulation and stress. That said, like all things, balance is key. I am building a sobriety toolbox, not a sobriety prison. But for this day, this day fraught with a bad cold and achy body, a life of gentle softness is magick medicine to the weary soul.